


we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

by mechup



Series: without hope, without witness, without reward [11]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Multi, Other, but i promise the next oneshot i write is gonna be darillium fluff, but then i got the idea for this one & put the other one on hold to write it akdjsjdj whoops sorry, i started writing a oneshot with these three & was like FINALLY i'm writing smth happy for this ship, the vault era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27907972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechup/pseuds/mechup
Summary: “Did you really watch her die?”The Doctor completely freezes, not quite sure he’s heard her correctly.
Relationships: Missy/River Song, Twelfth Doctor/Missy, Twelfth Doctor/Missy/River Song, Twelfth Doctor/River Song
Series: without hope, without witness, without reward [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974634
Comments: 12
Kudos: 19





	we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song Two Ghosts by Harry Styles
> 
> i'm not tagging this as major character death bc River's already dead but basically Missy & the Doctor (re)live her death

She’s so deep in thought when he enters the vault that she doesn’t even realize he’s there. He sits down next to her and waits for her to notice but she doesn’t move an inch, not reacting to him in the slightest. 

“Missy?” he’s asked for the fourth time before she blinks and looks at him. He offers her a smile as she frowns, sitting up straighter as she comes back to herself. 

“What time is it?” she asks with less energy than she usually has. He can tell something’s wrong, something besides her simply losing track of the time. 

“Eight o’clock. Just got back from a trip with Bill,” he answers, then pauses. He could either ask her outright, which he knows from experience might cause her to not answer, or he could subtly work his way up to it, which he knows from experience might not work either because she’ll know what he’s doing. He decides to take the direct approach. “What were you thinking about?”

She glances at him before quickly dropping her eyes to the floor. She looks even more upset now that she’s actively thinking about it again and it makes his hearts ache, especially because he doesn’t know _what’s_ hurting her like this. 

It takes her several minutes but at last, she asks, “Did you really watch her die?”

The Doctor completely freezes, not quite sure he’s heard her correctly. It’s taken a long time to get here, to a point that he’s now comfortable enough to freely talk about River, but _neither_ of them _ever_ mention her death. They’ve had an unspoken agreement to not bring it up but now that she’s broken the ice, he’s unsure how to reply. He settles with the simple truth and nods. “Yes.”

“What was it like?” Her face is completely unreadable and again, he doesn’t know what to say. 

“It was... horrible. I didn’t know who she was but I could tell she was going to be someone important to me, and then she... Well. There was nothing I could do to stop her.” He glances at her, as if remembering she’s here. “Missy, I don’t think this is the best topic of conversation...”

“Have you ever thought about going back to the Library? To save her?” she asks, ignoring his last comment. 

He blinks, because she sounds like she’s accusing him of something. “Of course I have.”

“Then why haven’t you?” she demands. 

“I—”

“She could be here with us right now. She could’ve been with us as soon as we left Darillium. She’d _hate_ the Library, you _know_ she would, but she’s been trapped there all this time because you are _utterly incompetent!_ ” She takes a deep breath and turns her head so he can’t see the tears that have formed in her eyes while he files this away to talk about at some point in the future, when she isn’t riled up and lashing out at him. The room is unbearably silent for a moment and then Missy says, “I want to see it.”

“See what?” he asks, not liking where this seems to be heading. 

“River’s death.” She looks him in the eye so he can see she genuinely means it. “I want you to show me.”

“Missy, I _really_ don’t think that’s a good idea,” he tells her. He’d spent so much time trying to get the image of River dying out of his head. Every time he looked at her, every time he saw her wild curls or heard her melodious laugh, every time he closed his eyes, it was there replaying over and over. He wouldn’t _ever_ wish that upon Missy; it was bad enough when he barely knew River and it only got worse as time went on. He doesn’t want her to know even a fraction of that pain.

“I want to see it,” she says again, reaching out to take his hand. “Please, Doctor. Let me see it.”

He stares at her for a long moment and against his better judgement, he nods. “If it gets to be too much, tell me _immediately_. Okay?” 

“I will,” she assures him. He doesn’t know whether or not he believes her but he gives her hand a squeeze and then lifts both of his to her head. She closes her eyes and he lets her into his thoughts, directly to the Library. He feels Missy stiffen when she sees River, but she doesn’t tell him to stop. 

_Funny thing is,_ River is saying to his past self, _this means you’ve always known how I was going to die. All the time we’ve been together, you knew I was coming here. The last time I saw you, the real you... the future you, I mean, you turned up on my doorstep with a new haircut and a suit. You took me to Darillium to see the Singing Towers. Oh... what a night that was. The Towers sang and you cried._ _You wouldn’t tell me why, but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the Library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue._

He — it’s the older version of him, but it feels so real that it might as well be him — tries to grab his screwdriver, but it’s just out of his reach. 

_There’s nothing you can do._

_You can let me do this_ , he insists, because he can’t let her die. He doesn’t know her but he does know there is something so special about her and he needs to see her in the future, like she said. 

_If you die here, it’ll mean I’ve never met you._

_Time can be rewritten._

_Not those times, not one line. Don’t you dare._

He can only watch her, hopeless.

_It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s not over for you. You’ll see me again, you’ve got all of that to come. You and me, time and space. You watch us run._

_River, you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There’s only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name. There’s only one time I could._

_Hush, now_ , she says with a smile. _Spoilers_.

The light is so bright that he has to look away, but he knows she’s gone. When he opens his eyes again, he finds himself back in the vault and he has to take a few seconds to reorient himself, to remind himself it had merely been a memory. Missy has tears on her cheeks and he belatedly realizes he does too. 

“Are you okay?” he asks her, staying where he is, not sure if she’ll appreciate him trying to comfort her with a hug or any other kind of physical touch.

Missy has always found the idea of River’s death upsetting but she’s never once thought what it must’ve been like for the Doctor, who had to live through it. She recalls what she had yelled at him, that it’s his fault River’s still in the Library, and she feels something that feels like it might be guilt rush through her. “I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t know exactly what she’s apologizing for but he doesn’t press for an explanation, instead attempting to reassure her. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Missy. We’ll get her out one day, I promise.”


End file.
